We awoke to discover that four terrorists wearing white jump suits and black balaclavas had taken control of the ship. They had the captain tied up in the bridge and whenever he came to they bashed him on the head again. They told us we were heading due south. The seas were calm now. When a lion, giraffe, hippo and zebra appeared I suspected something wasn’t quite right. We had watched Madagascar last night (four penguins take over a ship).
The third night in a row of this (long list of foul expletives) Drakes Passage. We have almost crossed it twice now which is two times more than Drake himself. He had sense.
The ship is in constant heaving with on average, a 3.12147 second cycle. It is a complex adaptive system in that as you adapt it comes up with punishing adaptations of its own.
Some say the ship is really a “full body, full contact, Ju Jitsu Massage machine”. Some think the toilet is actually a Bidet. But all we know for sure is that all wish we were at home watching Top Gear re-runs.
Again this morning we were greeted with the optimistic and calm voice of Amanda (she is the love child of HAL and the Dalai Lama) welcoming us to awaken to another fun and interesting day. This only inspires rage but is quickly beaten out of you as the cabin rearranges your body parts.
Amanda had promised this nightmare would end in the Falkland Islands at 15:03.57 today. This morning she advised us that our weaving path now means it will be 8 PM but with no promises. She made the mistake of delivering this message in the middle of breakfast. She fled the dining room, pursued by 14 wild eyed and extremely unbalanced passengers who were armed to the teeth. She managed to lock herself into one of the automatic car washes. We now have a sentry roster.
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